|
|
My giant brain is working day and night to vanquish those who oppose me.
| | |
Based mostly on my imagination, I declare that I am not one to be trifled with, and now that I find myself with nothing but time on my hands, I have built this site dedicated to the commupance my foes so richly deserve.
|
|
|
|
Consider this a warning.
| | |
Court Holds Gibberish Valid Form Of Communication
Branton, Illinois
In what is regarded as a victory for the inarticulate everywhere, a State
Court upheld an appeal that would have overturned a lower court decision to
accept gibberish as a language. Speaking through an interpreter, Frank
Goey, named as the plaintiff in the suit, said "I think people don't
realize that this is a victory for everyone, because if someone won't
validate your gibberish, it is only a matter of time before water cannons
are spraying through your living room." Though it was not clear what he
meant by that, it was defiant, and that is the tone of the supporters of
Goey outside the courthouse. On the steps, many of them could be heard
speaking in their unintelligible tangle of syllables, and the tone was
upbeat. "We will not be silenced or undersold!" exhorted Goey to the crowd,
through a translater, and the crowd reacted with a cheer.
Rebel Forces Attack Burger King
The Castle
It was a weary King who sat in repose on his throne, his scepter by his
side, his crown askew, his dog, Whopper, by his side, reluctantly granting
an interview to reporters despite the rebel forces that steadily have been
closing in on his empire. "This has been a very hard year for the royal
family." He spoke in a tone not of self pity but remorse. "Not just the
war, but the scandals and accidents. I wish that I could summon my legions
and we could make things better, that I could simply super-size my problems
away. F or now, I am forced into a defensive position, and I must move
tactically." The Burger King is known less for his strategic strength as a
warrior than for his fatty meat sandwiches, widely available at retail
outlets that number over 10,000 internationally. "My kingdom, all this, I
would give it without hesitation, if I thought I might get a queen to bear
me a son," mused the King, "but as that is no longer possible, because I
have no testicles. I will instead find a renenegade former Soviet bloc
country to sell me some warheads and give these rebels a little radiation
to remember me by."
Search Continues For TV Remote: Day 44
Riverside California
After over a month of exhaustive searching, the remote control to the
television still has not turned up. Moral is low and there is, for the
first time, talks of calling off the search altogether. "I never thought it
would come to this. I thought it would just be someplace and that would be
that. But it just went off somewhere, and I can't figure out how or where
it is," says owner Cecil Temmes. "I watch about four hours a night of TV,
and not having the remote means I have to keep getting up, which really
cuts down on the amount of time I can change the channels during
commercials. It's a really inconvenient situation." The search team,
likened the success of finding the remote at this point to "finding an ice
cube in the ocean." But Temmes insists even if the remote is not recovered,
he will never buy a new one. "Hell, this TV is kind of old anyway. I would
just as soon buy a whole new one."
Image Of Cancer Not Great, Ad Team Says
It used to be that it wasn't even considered polite to discuss in company,
and the word was whispered, as if the very voice of it might conjure a dire
consequence. Nowadays of course, people are far more open about
metastasizing, rapid, uncontrolled cell growth, but there was a time when
the stigma was very real. A new ad campaign launches this week, to
refurbish the diseased image of cancer, and position it in the pathology
marketplace as younger, hipper and more desirable. "Many people are
choosing AIDS, TB and heart disease, especially younger people, and that
has really cut into cancer," explains Bo Goldman, a marketer with Young And
Rubicam. "We are seeing ways to shift that sense that cancer is an old
person's disease, or worse, that it is a punishment, and make it something
people in their late twenties would choose on a disgresionary disease
basis, say, for a second home type ailment. I think we have a good
headstart with all the outdoor activities popular now, because skin cancer
is a kind of aspirational status symbol, that says, I can play enough
tennis to get it.A big part of the image issue is that cancer is perceived
by many to kill you, and it still kills you. But we want to leave the
options of all the various cancers open to people, and let them know about
their choices."
Man Can't Decide Whether Or Not To Get Tattoo
Preston Kentucky
"I was thinking about getting one, since this girl I liked, Marge, implied
that I wasn't a real man, and I happen to know a guy she dated had a
tattoo. And I guess I thought she was kind of saying I would be a real man
if I got one. But she lost interest in me and now I'm getting over her,
and I am unsure whether that was the reason, the girl, I mean, that I
wanted the tattoo, or if it is a good idea by itself." Lance Claden has
been obsessing about both Marge and his tattoo for a while now, and many
of his friends have urged him to just get drunk and do it. "I don't know if
I want to be drunk for something that will be with me my whole life. I
also know it would mean I couldn't' be buried in a Jewish cemetery, which
I guess doesn't matter since I'm not Jewish, but still." Despite the
uncertainty that surrounds the subject, Lance is clear on one issue.
"Imagine if I'd gotten Marge's name tattooed. I'd really feel like a fool
then."
Clowns Are Frightening, Admit Clowns
Gatlinboro, Tennessee
Many children cry when they see clowns, and many people, particularly
women, find clowns spooky or frightening into adulthood, and clown
paintings are thought to cause nightmares. There have been no shortage of
horror movies with murderous clowns, and the image of a rapist with a clown
mask has been borne out into reality numerous times. Today, for the first
time, the International Clown Association, issued a statement which read in
part "We know we are scary, and we are taking steps to be less scary. That
may result in no more red nose, white face paint or bushy hair. While it
is unlear what is so scary about clowns, we are willing and committed, to
consider rejecting any and all of our clowinish costumes, from our big
shoes on up." The ICA is looking to implement these changes as early as
next October.
Gains Made Without Pain, Personal Trainers Baffled
Without really trying, Phil Calsina was able to build up tremendous pecs.
"They told me I should do three sets, every other day, of ten reps,
building up weight as I go. Instead, I just kind of poke around and do
what I like, and I am never sore. But look at the results." Personal
trainers, Kathy Bernet and Debbie Alenti agree "It could be luck, who
knows? But I wouldn't say it changes my mind about all the learning and
knowledge I have about working out. I just got back from a seminar in
Florida, and one of the keynote speakers was on this very topic, how to
make gains without pain, and the point was, it can be done, it just isn't
the best way of doing things." But Phil doesn't agree "Alls I know is, I
got great pecs, and I did it my way, and they can talk all day long about
how I should have done it. But shoulda, woulda, coulda, know what I'm
saying?"
Jubilant Man Gets Old Lawnmower To Start, Wife Pretends To Care
It was a long and sweaty stuggle when retired police seargent Colin Ohane
got his push behind Toro to start, and he felt great. There was no one to
share his victory with except his wife, who acted happy. But it wasn't
until later, after a shower, dinner and a drink that Ohane got the
satisfaction he was seeking by calling his friend Brian Murphy, also
retired from the force, to tell him the news. "I said, remember that
mower? Well I got it working. Then we had a laugh." Ohane's wife, Mary,
was less enthusiastic when told of Murphy's effect on her husband. "Oh boy.
What was I supposed to do, knit a flag and have a parade? He spends more
time in the shop than he does in the house, and the truth is mowing is bad
for his heart."
The New Faces Of Racism: Blacks Wily and Inscrutable, Jews Lazy and Asians
Hook-Nosed and OffensivelyGreedy, Dutch Slated For Taunting
The newest internet racism, which jumbles up old stereotypes in a way that
is confusing to many of the older, brick and mortar community of racists
has gone global, and some people are not pleased. "Some chat rooms have
really opened up the playing field to a generation that doesn't know or
care about the past we have worked so long to preserve=:)" lamented
RACEWAR4NOW in a race chatroom dedicated to white supremacy. The Dutch
could not be reached for comment, but BIGGNES77 felt that the more dialogue
that went on, the better it would be. "Sunlight is the best disenfectant,
and those racists who don't know whether a <> is a spic or an
Italian will eventually expose themselves as not knowing what they are
talking about. I say BRING IT on!!!!!"
Area Man Set To Be Flabbergasted Thursday
Decatur, Texas
For the first time in almost a decade, a Decatur man will be publically
flabbergasted. The man, Moe Stingwell, has been awaiting flabbergasting
for almost six years, and he seems relieved that the long wait is over.
"About three years into my wait, they offered me a compromise and I almost
took it out of frustration," Stingwell recalls of a deal that would have
left him flummoxed but not flabbergasted. "And I held my own, stuck to my
guns, and even though it has taken some time, I think it was worth it to
get what I really deserve."
In Wake Of Answers, Search For Questions Continues
Stinton Michigan
Police continue to search for valid questions in a case that has so far
continued to pile up more answers than questions. Explains Det. Vincent De
Rugger "To begin with, instead of looking for clues, the perp had left us
a four volume bound set explaining exactly what had occurred, beginning
with a prequel that took us back to his childhood. Plus, there was a CD
Rom encyclopedia of clues and motives, all cross referenced." In fact, of
the team of almost a dozen investigators working on the case for the past
month, none have been able to come up with a single satisfying question
that has not already been answered, and answered thoroughly, without
contradiction or lack of insight. "I have got to say, I have seen a lot
of cases in my time, read a lot of confessions and depositions, but never
have I ever seen something like this. This is like nothing I have ever
seen. This guy was good. Very good."
|
|
|
I would gladly eat the flesh of those who oppose me.
| | |
Like all great military strategists, from Attilla the Hun to Babe Ruth, I am prepared to do what is necessary to see that my ends are met. This is self defense, in a way, so I suggest if you are at all squeamish, you make a run for it now.
|
|
|
| Favorite Links
| |
| | | | | |
